solitude // in parts

to be alone:
where I’m not judged for the contents of my heart,
where enough is simply being
and not what I’m not.

we all hold a universe in our minds
running parallel to each other
and perpendicular to reality.


A Distraction

I love feeling busy. I enjoy the feeling of having things to do, places to see, and things to learn. But when I’m not doing something, I feel myself become sadder, more melancholy. I think about the fragility of life, the hard dirt that will bury us, and how we will all someday be forgotten.

And I wonder if being busy is just how we all distract ourselves from the truth that we like to ignore. The truth that our lives mean nothing, that the universe feels nothing, and that our society is spun around a fiction we see as reality.

Maybe life is a distraction from the coldness of the universe.

Everything is Interconnected

I think it’s important to remember that all subjects are man-made. We subconsciously know this, but don’t really internalize the fact that there are no categories to anything in the universe. We need to see the universe as a unit and not as the illusion of categories we create. Every place and time is connected.

One of the problems with school is that it doesn’t teach you how everything connects. We learn individual subjects of fragmented knowledge, but to truly understand what we’re learning, we have to relate all of the subjects together to form a more complete reality. Although it is important to delve in one subject and be an expert at it, it’s equally important to learn how the systems interact.

Words and numbers
concoctions of our minds
to explain the world
and through it, ourselves.

Sleeping at Last

is a reflection of my soul.

“Atlas: Year One” is truly the best album I have ever heard in my entire life. Ryan O’ Neal is a genius.

The album is about existence, truth, human nature, and our place in the universe. The lyrics are poetic streams of magic woven from beauty and wonder. Every word seeps love and appreciation for the universe, and I feel a deep and meaningful connection to his music. His voice is rich and authentic, and speaks to the heart and mind.

I also love how the album is all about love, but not for a guy or girl as most albums are. It’s about love for the universe, and for our existence. It’s about loving life, and appreciating the world we live in.

The album is organized into sub-albums (Darkness, Light, Space, Land, Oceans). Not only is the music amazing, but the album covers are stunning. He also has a few music videos (Neptune: which features rain, Bad Blood: which features dark clouds, and many more artistic masterpieces if you look through his Youtube channel).

His perception of the world is hauntingly beautiful, and I can relate to all the songs in the album down to every lyric and note. He writes about the stories of the songs here: I love it when musicians write the stories behind their songs; it helps me understand and notice components of songs I normally wouldn’t have noticed. For example, he added the 16-week old heartbeat of his unborn child at the end of the last song of the album, which masterfully concluded this amazing album and starts his next series with the theme of “Life”. It also shows how much thought he puts into each song and a few of the artistic decisions he makes.

Listen to this album in the dark, or better yet, with headphones under the stars. Close your eyes, and immerse yourself in the ethereal beauty of the music and with it, the universe. Some songs may speak to you in the first listen, but others take some time to truly understand.

I can’t wait to hear “Atlas: Year Two” which is coming out this year! ❤

On Being Insignificant

I may be walking to my next class, eating a sandwich, listening to bits of conversations, or even doing something I love, and all of a sudden I feel like my life is so pointless. There is no meaning. We just do things in our life but in the course of humanity, in the course of the universe, in the grand scheme of everything in existence, our impact is so little. Nothing we do truly matters. And it’s funny, how we seek meaning in a world with no inherent meaning. We like to think of ourselves as the center of the universe and that our needs surmount everything there was, is, and ever will be. In reality, we live and die just like those before and after us, leaving only a speck of dust comparable to the void.

For some reason, I don’t feel saddened by our triviality. When I was younger I would feel distressed about our utter insignificance, but now I believe that I can either think of the fragility of human life as discouraging or accept it as a fact of the universe. I now choose to feel humbled for being an infinitely small particle on a vast canvas of art only out of necessity, which is sort of like lying to myself because we should live our lives ignoring/accepting this fact if only for the sake of our sanity. If I didn’t choose to feel humbled and accept our insignificance, I would likely become a depressed hermit who lives on a mountain and talks to no one.

I used to think that being spiritual meant being religious, and only recently did I discover that I can be spiritual without believing in a higher being. Being spiritual is believing in something bigger than yourself. By this definition of spirituality, I am deeply spiritual— I believe in the universe. (Or maybe even universes?? We don’t even know yet!) Although I am comparable to nothing, I am part of something whole. I feel free. Although nothing matters we can still make things matter to ourselves. (But what does it even mean to matter? Doesn’t everything matter? Why does “mattering” even matter? Isn’t “mattering” just a construct of our human minds?) The combination of trivial beings makes the whole that is life. Now, whenever I think about my insignificance, I feel more awestruck than sad. I know that although nothing matters in the “grand scheme of things,” I have to make things matter to myself or else I’ll waste my precious life being sad about nothing. I believe that life is truly a gift of probability and our ability to appreciate life is incredible, regardless of our little impact over everything.

When I went through an existential crisis of sorts and was trying to find who I was and what I was here for, I came across a quote from Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot that has shaped my view of the world:

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

When I first read this quote, every fiber in my body shivered. It was beautiful. It summed up my thoughts in so many ways that I could never even imagine. It summed up the thoughts I didn’t even know I had. I have always loved learning about space and the vast universe, but only after reading this passage did I realize that by learning about the world around us and the cosmos, I could learn more about where I belong and how I should direct my life. We are so desolate and alone in the universe, but at least we’re alone on a beautiful planet with 7 billion other people and a vast amount of animals and plants. When you look at the world from the distant vantage point that is astronomy, conflicts seem so insignificant. Why can’t we all just love each other? Sounds naive, I know, but if you think about it, all of our petty fights and wars all surmount to nothing. So if nothing matters, why should we hate? Why cause suffering? Why hold grudges?

I guess the cynical could argue that if “nothing matters”, why love? Why be nice? Why even live? The answer is still mulling around in my head and I don’t know. I just know that it feels right and the only reason we should do good is because it feels good. Which is a pathetic reason given that the majority of our feelings come as a benefit of our survival, but it’s all I can think of right now with my limited, sleep-deprived mind.